Massive, massive SPECTRE spoilers. Be warned. As a caveat, I’m a Bond movie fan. I’m a huge Daniel Craig Bond fanatic. Take THAT with you into the depths of my review.
Spectre. Daniel Craig. Sam Mendes directing. Friggin BOND.
How in the name of all that’s fucking HOLY did you make a car chase, a plane chase, a boat chase, and a foot chase BORING?
Monica Bellucci? Beautiful. Gorgeous actress, talented, wonderful… in and out in under nine minutes. Fucking kidding me? After all the press, all the ‘We’ve got Monica Bellucci!’ trumpet-calls, and he literally leaves her for the vapid, young blonde who says she’s a doctor, but constantly makes choices that prove she can’t think any further ahead than Bond? She’s the key to it all. Because, although she hasn’t seen her dad in a million years, he told her the one piece of information Bond might need twenty years before, when Bond was still learning how to ski.
They go to her parents’ favorite hotel. Apparently there’s something hidden in the wall? They went there every year, and Mr. White left something there for her. And it’s apparently a whole room in the middle of an aging hotel, where he kept gear and information, and stuff. And Mr. White must be one hell of a carpenter, because if he went into that secret room, he must have broken through the same wall Bond did, and re-sealed it, refinished it, and painted it EVERY FUCKING TIME.
Bond chases down the bad guys who kidnap the Macguffin girl with a PLANE. You… you can’t be serious. He paces the cars. With. A. PLANE. And acts surprised when he dive-bombs them IN THE WOODS, ON A WOODED ROAD, WITH TREES LINING IT, and the wings get knocked off. No big. He still has engines. He’s good. Oh, ho, cliff! Turn.
Turn a plane.
Turn a plane tobogganing down a mountain no tail section. With no landing gear. With the tail section gone.
Wait, not only turn it, but speed up, cut the bad guys off, and manage to knock them off the road but NOT kill the girl int he car. Shoot the conscious driver int he head with a hip shot. Fine. The big, BIG bad guy, unconscious on the hood? Leave him. He won’t be any further trouble.
I know MI-6 is in trouble, but does that cost-cutting measure of not wasting bullets really pay off in the end? Because that world-class relentless assassin knows when HE’S been beat, I’m sure. He’ll never be back. At all.
Car chase through Rome at midnight. At, like, fifty miles an hour. Who runs away from a bad guy and follows the speed limit??
And I’m pretty sure that, even if it IS midnight, there’s more than ONE car on the road in friggin ROME at midnight. Somewhere. I’m, come on. Don’t Romans get hungry? Go for a midnight snack? Isn’t there, like, a billion street cafes? What about movies? Do they have midnight movies? There has to be SOMEONE. And the climax of the chase, he dumps the car (which was onscreen for all of eleven minutes) into the river. There’s a stairway in the background, and some dude just kinda wandering down it, even though he watched a thrilling forty-mile-an-hour chase culminate in someone fucking ejector-seating out of the lead car as it flies through the air into the water.
A train ride to the middle of the desert in Tangier. Fine. The world-class assassin finds them. Okay. He and Bond go mano-a-mano for ten minutes, destroying all of the train. Literally. Wood splinters and shattered glass, three or four cars just… just destroyed. Know what I noticed? The waiter, the passengers, all the people that had been there right before the assassin strikes?
It’s suddenly an EMPTY train. No people. At all. No one to object tot he gunshots, the thousands of dollars in damage, no one even to bring them new drinks because the assassin spilled theirs. Just… nothing. The train people were as bored as everyone else. And the assassin STOPS STRUGGLING TO SAY ‘Shit’ WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST SLIPPED THE ROPE OFF HIS HEAD AND NOT DIED.
Bond looks at the girl, who asks, “What do we do now?”
Bond looks at her, and immediately we jump cut to them boning. Not tending their wounds, because- oh wait. No wounds. Apparently being used as a human wrecking ball leaves no lasting impressions. She was knocked unconscious TWICE with blows to the head, which might leave a concussion in REAL humans. But whatever.
And the big reveal? The big bad guy? The ‘architect of all your pain?’
Evil Bad Guy – “All the bad things in your life? I did them.”
Bond – “But, how?”
EBG – “There is no how. I did them. I did them all. Because I say so, and my word is proof.”
B – “Oh. Okay.”
EBG – “I’m going to torture you now, inflicting permanent damage on you, by drilling INTO YOUR HEAD and fucking with the nerves there.”
Bond – “I’m going to be completely unaffected by what amounts to goddamned surgery because Bond. And then blow you up.”
EBG – “Oh. Okay. Luckily for you, when you blow up the computer, your restraints will pop open like you planned it.”
Which they do. Like he did. And he and the girl escape int he most boring way possible. And bored way. Bond doesn’t look worried. He doesn’t look upset. he doesn’t seem affected. At all. Not by the bullets, not by the revelation that EBG killed the man who raised him after his parents died, by NOTHING. Not even by skull surgery with goddamned miniature drill bits IN HIS FACE.
Bond doesn’t duck when the bad guys shoot at him. His daring escape was a slow walk, and Craig appeared to be sighing with impatience, swinging his gun back and forth, one-shotting with an assault rifle. I could practically see him mouthing “left guy dies, tower guy dies, swing right… that guy dies…. center… he shoots at me, he dies, and the distance shot….. and he’s dead. Can I go to my friggin trailer now?”
How the fuck do you manage to look bored?
And the other bad guy, played to one-note perfection by Andrew Garfield (Moriarty from Sherlock) is so goddamned obvious he might as well have been wearing a Snidely Whiplash mustache and twirl it in every scene.
And in the end? The EBG lives. Bond quits. And… and that’s it. End of film.
Fucking boring. Was there a moral? I don’t know. A story? Just barely. Ralph Fiennes looked lost at the end, as lost as _I_ felt. Like, he literally had a look on his face like, “What? What the hell does this all mean?”
I’m wondering what in the world this fucking movie had in mind to begin with.
D-. And that’s being goddamned generous.
TL;DR summary? Don’t waste your fucking money. In fact, burning your money and pissing on the ashes would be a better investment than this three-hours shit-fest.